[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
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please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
when someone rings the doorbell
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though