Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
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MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
*looks at you in batman voice*
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
All generalizations are stupid.
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.