*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
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Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
But that’s none of my business
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons