familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
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[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Delightful if true: booby trap.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.