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Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Who.
Did.
This?
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
A really good magician could be living in your house and you would never know.
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
If snakes were wide
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet