Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
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I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Autocorrect is my menesis
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.