If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
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paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch