Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
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An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”