Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
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[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
Nomnomnomnom
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
For those that worship cheese..
Monday
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!