Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
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I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
Who did it better?
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.