If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
You Might Also Like
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene