Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
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I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.