What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
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I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”