*pronounces fake like saké*
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Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.