Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
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it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
Basketball
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES