My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
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BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.