Polite kitties have good etiquecat
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The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.