Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
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Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
A leaf blower, but for people.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”