I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
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Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.