Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
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It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
it must be school picture day
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*