#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
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Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
Life is a suicide mission.
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
Worth remembering.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.