I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
You Might Also Like
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma