My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
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You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
The three genders.
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future