all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
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I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?