What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
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In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.