Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
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I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
Your secret is safeish with me
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.