All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
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My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
me during winter: will I ever love again
me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.