I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
You Might Also Like
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies