“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
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Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
lol
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?