I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
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My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
Important
I’m Sold!
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.