I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
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[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
can I use a minion as a tampon
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
God has abandoned us.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here