I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
You Might Also Like
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
me and who
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood