The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
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Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday