I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
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(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
I put the h in mysterious.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.