There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
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R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
No chill.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
Everyone’s family
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.