I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
You Might Also Like
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
“our sushi is very fresh”
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
is this a threat
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Saturday
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.