If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
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I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
Left at a local drug store…
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*