We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
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“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.