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I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
she has a point
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.