Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
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my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*