i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
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Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on