“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
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{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
That’s fair
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler