The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
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Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”