“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
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The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way