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Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.