Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
You Might Also Like
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
the dark web is just a goth google.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
She puts the hot in psychotic
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.