I have no passwords left in me
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So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
The Assassin.
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
cat vs inanimate object
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Doormats are a gateway rug.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
this is uni
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.