Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
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if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.