Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
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LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”