me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
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My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*